I do not know the meaning of love. I used to know it, you know. Back when I was younger, I thought I knew everything. Even love. But after experiencing it many times I became confused. I do not know what to feel. They said that love is the feeling of having to not let go of a person. Of being happy when he is around. When it electrifies your soul whenever you're with that someone. The cadence of your heart reaches a thousand miles per hour when he touches you. When you're apart, it feels like you are incomplete, like a part of you is missing -your heart maybe. They say a lot of things about love. But I can not pin point the one true meaning that matches what i feel. It is true that I feel happy and comforted whenever we're together. But that is all. I also feel happy and contented without his presence. What does this mean? I feel like I do not know myself anymore. If this is love then why do I feel these things? I mean, I truly know within myself that this feeling is not lust. This is definitely not an infatuation. It is more than that. But it is not love. I'm not sure.
They said that if you love a person, you can't stand being without him, like you'd go overboard just to be with this person. You MUST be there for him and him to you. For me, I don't really know. I feel like its okay to be away with each other, like its okay for us to break up, like "I'll live and survive without you in my life". But do I really mean that? Again, I do not know. Maybe it is because we've been together for so long. But does it have to be like that? Like the feeling that you have felt in the beginning supposed to fade or to falter? I know that love doesn't work like that. I thought it was supposed to get stronger like a wine. The more time it consumes the stronger the flavor or in this case the feeling would be.
When I look at my future 20 years from now, I would see myself with someone but i could not see it with him. The picture I'm painting is equivocal. Maybe I'm being unfair with him, maybe I should give him a chance, maybe I should open myself to him and not be biased by the way I feel. Maybe I should not think of these thoughts because it won't do me any good. Maybe, maybe not. But this is me. I know that when I'm in this kind of a relationship I do not let my guard down. That's inevitable. I always leave something for myself. I don't let myself fall head over heels so I won't be hurt too much. I have learned from my past relationships and my friends' and my relatives' that if I let myself myself fall then I would be in the loosing edge and when he leaves I would be in so much pain. In the end, I only have myself and I am the only one who could placate me.
Is this my kind of defense mechanism? Well, I guess that is who I am and my experiences made me this way. Love is vague and I believe it is up to you to realize within yourself the meaning of this word. I do not know it yet, but I hope it will come soon. Until that time comes I would be, just me.
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